Where the @*()$*! Have You Been, Jess??

Okay, yeah. I was a real jerk-a-holic and went of the grid for a year. Almost. In addictions that's usually because someone went hardcore off the wagon and is back in system. Keep your faith, dear reader, because Jess has gone from 200 pounds to 155 - 160 pounds, which I've been maintaining since March of this year. In reality, my life was just super busy. However, I was speaking with another mental health professional today and was reminded of this project. It's not at all that I've lost passion for it but that I didn't have the time to juggle this blog. But I'm re-committing, friends. At this point in the blog, it's actually future friends, as I have no real readers. This matters not. If only one person needs this support, I'm here to give it. I think mental health professionals should have a hippocratic oath which says that:

If only one person needs support, I'm here to give it.

I stayed very dedicated to a hard-core abstinence plan for six months. Did I relapse? Of course. We talked about this.  However, like we talked about, dear Reader, I made adjustments and moved forward. I've been maintaining this weight since March 2019. Would I like to lose 10 more? Of COURSE. But That just makes me normal. My diet is sustainable and reasonable. I'm happy. Not just with my weight.

All those things I referred to in my 30-day check in? Still true. Less pain, better functioning. Happier me. Life is still life. Fixing my diet didn't change the world, but it did change my world, and that's all I was really asking for.

In my time away, I've been developing professionally. I have more information for you, coping skills, stories of others that have been through this and thrived. We're still on this journey together. More to follow, my friends.

If you're struggling with self harming or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Always feel free to use our chat or 7 cups just to have someone to talk to.

15 Changes I've Noticed in the First 30 Days

Today is it. My one month anniversary of changing my eating habits. It's been a productive and interesting month. I've been keeping track of my observations, and I'm here to tell you what I've seen.

1. Weight Loss

The first one is pretty obvious, and it's probably what you've been measuring the most. On October 29th, I weighed 193 pounds. I'm down to 181 as of this morning. At my heaviest, I weighed 200 pounds. So, I'm definitely happy with the direction I'm going here. My weight loss is slowing considerably, but if you've been keeping track of what it means when the scale slows down, you'll know I saw this coming. I'm not fussed. Stay the course!

2. Food Conservation

You heard me right. Hey, with the time I put into my meals, not to mention having to create new recipes with exotic ingredients I've never used before and spent some $$ on, I don't throw anything away! Left overs get eaten or shared and nothing goes in the garbage!

3. Quiet Mind

Someone mentioned in Hungry for Change that the "fog will lift." I'd say that's accurate, but for me it was something more. There was this sense of peace. There was an emptiness of mind. The anxiety declined and there was still space in my head. I'd drive in my car and think of nothing. It was glorious and the first real change I noticed and celebrated, even above the weight loss.

4. Reduction of Food Intake

I remember the first time I used the air fryer (this is mine - love it). I was wildly excited to be able to combat one of my biggest cravings (french fries) with a healthier alternative. I put a small potato in (again, no sense in wasting food if I did it wrong). When I had my home made fries in front of me I couldn't finish them! And I hadn't just eaten or anything. The truth is, I get fuller a lot faster and am hungry a lot less. Like, so stuffed I can't eat another bite. Remember those personal pan pizzas that Pizza Hut used to do in the 80s for reading books? Well, My pizzas are about that size, and I can only eat half of it. I have my theories about this (research-based of course), but I'll address those a different time.

5. "What's eating me" comes flooding in.

Back to Hungry for Change, and Kris Carr reminding us that it's not just what we're eating. It's also what's eating us. Once I stopped "eating my feelings," there was nothing to mask my problems in life. So, I had no buffer against the things that were eating me! This is where the safety plan comes in. Buddy, you're going to need it once you fall off the Pink Cloud, so consult it and your therapist.

6. Aches and pains

I used to hurt every morning. Every morning. Hot shower required just to get moving. Even with the serious seasonal changes we've been suffering, those are gone 90% of my days. That's a big deal for someone living with chronic pain since 2003.

7. BMs

Yep. We have to talk about poop. Sorry, but excrement is a big indicator of how your body is handling things. Not only do I seem to pee constantly now (not retaining near as much water), but I'm, um, going regularly. Like daily. Sometimes more than that. And, well, my poop don't stink. And while that's awesome, it's also a little weird? So, enough about poop.

8. Alcohol consumption

This has gone way down mainly because my tolerance has disappeared. I mean gone. I mean one 5oz serving of wine will get my loopy, not an American serving. So I'm consuming less alcohol too. Much less.

9. Overnight sleep patterns

This was obvious fairly quickly too, but I'm sleeping hard at night now and able to return to sleep without as much of a struggle. This is a big deal for someone that was dealing with regular insomnia.

10. No naps

I have taken 2 naps in the last 30 days. Prior to the last month, I would feel like I wasn't going to be able to get through my day if I didn't have a rest. I was taking them with my toddler. Now I'm just getting more done. That's a welcome change. I was starting to feel like an old woman, and I'm way too young for that.

11. Reduced caffeine 

I already wasn't much of a soda drinker. Still not. But coffee, at least one a day, was a regular for me. Now I don't drink it every day, and usually less than half a cup. It probably helps that I haven't been visiting Starbucks at all, and I drink other warm drinks like chai tea now.

12. Sexual urges

Can you say "horny teenager?" My husband pumps his fist in the air and says "whoo hoo!" But yeah, it's like my sexual impulses were buried under a layer of fat. Now that I'm dissolving it, I'm time traveling back to 1998. It probably helps a lot that my confidence is skyrocketing as well.

13. Improved mood

I do seem to have increased patience for things. That probably comes a lot from the empty mind syndrome. However, please don't let that confuse you, I'm definitely also suffering from....

14. Mood swings

Almost doesn't make sense, right? Let me just clarify. There are a lot more upswings than down. And my mood swings are usually out of lifestyle frustration (Thanksgiving was rough). When I'm not mentally throwing a fit about the human-food lifestyle, I'm fairly pleasant.

 15. No more migraines

I was a regular migraine sufferer. Not headaches. Like, lights off, no one touch me, tears squeezing out my eyes migraines. Particularly during season changes. I haven't had one since changing my diet. That's a BIG FREAKING DEAL.

So there are some interesting changes going on here. My weight loss has slowed a lot, but I'm feeling good and stable at the moment. I did have a strange relapse dream last night. I'll have to cover the regularity of relapse dreams that are in addiction recovery, because that's a real thing. Maybe in my next post.

If you're at your one month mark, post a comment and let me know how it's going!

If you're struggling with self harming or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Always feel free to use our chat or 7 cups just to have someone to talk to.

We're in this together.

Jess

When the scale won't move (or goes in the wrong direction).

We've all been there. We're being really freaking good, but the scale is stubbornly stuck at a particular number. I mean, just stuck. This once upset me to such a level that my husband ran upstairs, grabbed my scale and threw it in the trash bin outside. What a good hubby.

There are going to be times where the scale stubbornly stays somewhere or even goes backwards! It's fair to say that if you've been logging your weight, a bad day can have a serious impact on your emotional health. I know that the scale refusing to comply with my mental demands is a big trigger of mine. It's hard work sticking to a diet different than the rest of society! There's planning, craving avoidance, and everyone (everyone) uses food as a social event. An event that I'm now an awkward third wheel of! The very least that I can get for that effort is a little cooperation from my scale. 

Now, honestly, a lot of people will say, "it's not just about weight loss, you know?" And they are absolutely right. However, I hate when they say that. The reason is simple. How else am I supposed to measure my success??? I guess I could get my blood analyzed weekly (too expensive), get a poop kit (too gross), or just blindly plunge forward without a measuring stick. However, I've never been very good at that. I need a way to measure progress. Even small steps, like 0.2 pounds coming off over night. That's validation that I feel I need. 

So what do I do when the scale tells me I went from 183.4 to 184.8 overnight? I've come up with some simple helping steps.

Re-measure (a couple times).

I've legitimately had days when the scale was just wrong, so I measured a few times. It happens. While this is rare, it's just evil for you to go away from the scale feeling down when it was just some digital scale error. 

Look at your progress.

I've found it very helpful to actually pull up my weight tracking (I do mine on MyFitnessPal) and see how much I weighed a week ago or two weeks ago. Last week I was 2 pounds heavier on this same day. Two weeks ago, I was five pounds heavier. And this isn't the first reverse dip I've had, and I'm still coming out on top. This is a great video about looking at the big picture.

Stay away from the scale for a while.

At one point, I was so upset about my backslide that I left the scale for an entire week. When I stepped back on it, I was 4 pounds lighter! Sometimes we just have to leave our measurement tools if we're using them too seriously. 

Go to one of your coping skills.

You have a safety plan full of reminders about your helpful activities for times like these, so use them. Go for your walk or read your book. Go shopping, get away from that menace on your bathroom floor. He's in time out for a while, and this day is about you, not him :) Which leads me to...

Re-evaluate your safety plan.

This experience may lead you to understanding that you have a new trigger or need a new coping skill. Instead of losing the war over a single battle (with an inanimate object), re-evaluate where you need to tighten up your defenses.  

If you're struggling with self harming or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Always feel free to use our chat or 7 cups just to have someone to talk to.

We're in this together.

Jess

The need to fill time.

I'm a doer. I was raised in a family where down time was a rare commodity. If I wasn't doing something productive, it was frowned on.  This isn't to say that we wouldn't do things that were simply for fun. However, my life was often just go, go, go.  There were very few dull spots in my life.  Even our family entertainment activities were often very fast and focused. When I switched professions to mental health, the idea of self care was a tremendous transition for me. Self care? What the heck is that?

In mental health, self care is the concept of doing things just for you that make you feel balanced. I didn't know how to do things for myself without it being something with a deadline. Even if it was quilting or doing the laundry, it was about when I had to finish it and who I was doing it for.To this day, I struggle with doing something simply for the enjoyment of doing it. If I am sitting there watching a football game, I will be thinking that I should be quilting or working on a craft for somebody for Christmas with all this spare time on my hands. I cannot remember the last time I just sat and watched football just for the enjoyment of watching football.

A lot of what triggers people to eat stems from the need to constantly be doing. If you are a naturally anxious person, and you don't feel like you're being productive enough, that impulse can translate into eating. Have you ever found yourself exhausted with an activity and suddenly you're standing in the kitchen looking in the cabinet or the refrigerator, as if switching to eating will be a more productive activity that your brain can handle for that moment? Anxiety eating is a well documented problem. The act of chewing and crunching on something helps relieve the tension that we are physically experiencing by being anxious. This is well documented even in young children which is why you now see the fidget devices that you can chew on in classes. You've seen a kid chew on a pencil or a pen during class. The need to chew somehow relieves some of that anxious energy.

For a lot of us, practicing doing something just for the sake of doing it almost feels like learning how to redo a habit you already have. For instance, many people will read a book with the television on or not be able to simply watch a movie, like me, and must have something in their hands at the same time. I'm not truly engaged in either activity. I have to practice using my brain and all of its resources to focus on one activity at a time. The advantages to this are that you will be less anxious because you're not allowing your brain to multitask constantly, which can cause added stress, and you will get more pleasure from completely and totally focusing on a single task.

When I write in my blog to you guys, it is normally because I have a series of thoughts going through my head that are not allowing me to focus on the things I should be focusing on. I journal these thoughts to you guys and go back to focusing on my activity. So maybe this week, we should practice the art of focusing on our tasks throughout the day, each individual one, with less multitasking. Let us see if this helps us calm some of the anxious impulse that we carry with us throughout the day. Let us see if this also helps relieve some of the pressure to anxiously eat.

If you're struggling with self harming or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Always feel free to use our chat or 7 cups just to have someone to talk to.

We're in this together.

Jess

Where does fat go?

Seriously guys. We're losing weight, but where the heck is it going? Are we pooping it? Are we sweating it? The real answer might shock you, but it is SUPER cool.

If you're struggling with self harming or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Always feel free to use our chat or 7 cups just to have someone to talk to.

We're in this together.

Jess

Pink Cloud Syndrome

Many years back, I was reading Augusten Burroughs's "Dry," when I was introduced to the idea of the "pink cloud." I've since read about it in the Alcoholic Anonymous handbook, professionally. In alcohol/opioid recovery, the Pink Cloud is the event after change where you feel so good that you feel almost infallible. The pink cloud creates overconfidence and cockiness. You'll know you've hit it when you take your good news of your new eating habits to the street and try to get all your friends to listen to how great your new life is.

Whenever I'm doing a skills-based activity with my clients, and we talk about the difference between cockiness and confidence, it always comes down to one thing. Confidence doesn't require an audience. If you feel the need to tell everyone around you how great your life is, there's a very real possibility that there's still something you're working on, and you're only trying to convince yourself.

Now, I'm not saying that things aren't better. I'm sure they are getting better. However, the pink cloud syndrome is dangerous because it makes us feel, much like the drugs we were on, that nothing can touch us. "I have this brand new life, and everything is stellar!" You might stop monitoring your eating habits as much. You might stop using your safety plan. "I got this!" But the truth is this.

Your life is still your life.

All those things that made you eat before? They are still there.

One of my favorite quotes from Hungry for Change is "It's not just what you're eating. It's also what's eating you." I promised we would have a conversation about that. It appears the time has come.

If I go back several years ago to my first internship, I recall working with a really great trauma specialist. This trauma expert told me that there had never been a case assigned to the office for addiction that didn't have its basis in trauma. It seemed incredible to me at the time. Every single addict is drinking out of trauma?! Now, after all I have studied and seen, I get it.

My friend, the secret behind addiction is this. You aren't an addict because you're a failure and can't make good choices. You aren't an addict because you hang out with the wrong people. You aren't an addict because you just like drugs.

You're an addict because you are self-medicated.

Everything you're doing and have done comes from the need to feel happy. You are doing what you know to feel better. You've been trying to eat your way into happiness. Some people drink it. Some people shoot it. Some people snort it. Some people screw it. Guess, what? Happiness is not a tangible thing that we can put in our body. Unfortunately, the same hormones and chemicals that induce happiness in the brain can be increased by doing these very things, with some pretty horrific side effects. If we use these unhealthy coping skills enough, we physically become addicted to them instead of the natural high of life. So we create the false belief in our minds that we can do all these things to be happy. In reality, when the effects have worn off, nothing in our lives is any different. Mentally, we struggle to understand this because chemically our body has tried to convince us that we can replicate happiness in a pill, drink, shopping splurge, or chocolate cake.

Remember how I tried to convince you to find therapeutic help for this journey? AA and NA aren't treatment programs, only supports? Addiction means there is something in your life that you're trying to fix on your own, and this is how you're doing it. If you were high on life, YOUR LIFE, you wouldn't be seeking highs elsewhere. The danger of the pink cloud is that when it evaporates, you will come down. If you aren't in a program, relapse is a very real threat...



Heavy shit today, kids, but it needed to be said. Stay strong. If you're struggling with self harming or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Always feel free to use our chat or 7 cups just to have someone to talk to.

We're in this together.

Jess

Preparing for the big change.

We have been doing a lot of gearing up over the last week. We've identified our triggers, learned about skills, made a safety plan, and worked on identifying our blacklisted foods. What else do we need to know going into "hell week?" Because, make no mistake, your dietary changes are going to wreck havoc on your life. This has many different folds.

Firstly, your physical body is going to throw a big, huge, nasty fit. I can attest to this. My diet is extremely strict, and when I cut everything, I got sick. A friend of mine and I were just comparing our withdrawal horror stories last week. I was as sick as a dog. I got a migraine that lasted 24 hours. I was throwing up. I was shaking and covered in sweat on a night that was 30 degrees. There's no other word for it. I was suffering from withdrawal. This is when I made the comment about how we know that we've had these "hung over" moments where we are sick and assume that feeling really freaking bad would keep us from going back. However, the victim of many failed diets, I know this isn't the case. Hence, the safety plan.



Now, we also have to take into consideration the impact that all of this has on your family. Many of us don't live alone. I don't expect my family to eat like me, which means I'm preparing their meals and my own. If I'm not really prepared for this, I run into trouble. I have a drawer and a shelf in the fridge that's reserved for my food. This helps in two ways. One, my family knows to ask before using some of "my" food. Two, I don't look all over the fridge for stuff I have deemed safe to eat, thereby being tempted by foods that are on my blacklist. I go directly to "my" space in the fridge. If I don't find something I want, I make a new recipe, which I've mentioned before is one of my coping skills anyway.

Another thing to prepare for is actual food. We've already addressed that most of the foods you're consuming aren't safe, so you'll have to stock up on the right kinds of food. This can be a very stressful situation. I know when I first started this, many years ago, I had to stock up on things I NEVER ate. Cauliflower? Who eats cauliflower? What is almond flower? Why are they putting sugar in peanut butter, for god's sake, and why can't I find a jar without added sugar? Most stressful shopping trip ever.

I've been collecting recipes for years and adjusting them. One day I'll get to making a separate site just for my recipes, but I would urge you all to start simple. Look up your recipes and decide which ones you can do. My first meal was simply sauted mushrooms and broccoli out of simple desperation. I was hungry, and I wasn't going to eat garbage anymore. Take into account that you need to get enough food rolling to sustain you for a while. The first week, I went to the store nearly every day. I keep my recipes in my Pinterest until I have a chance to try them. Inevitably, after I try them, they get altered and moved around, but that's okay. I have about a 50/50 success rate.

We're going to get through this together. you and I. If you're struggling with self harming or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Always feel free to use our chat or 7 cups just to have someone to talk to.

We're in this together.

Jess